A few years ago I met a charming little woman that impacted my life in many ways. The little sister of my second wife, she whirled in and out of my life quite a bit. While making me laugh most of the time I was never sure when we would lock horns. Both of us being stubborn there were many times our differences caused screaming fights. Almost like we were siblings and had been doing this for years. I always wanted us to get along and most of the time we did.

When she was sober we were close. When she had a couple of drinks she got silly and laughter abounded. I have spent many great times with her and her sister.  We would go out and have great times. Lots of Scrabble games at home brought hilarity and a unity that could never be replaced. She got along with my friends and even said she liked my fundamentalist preacher parents. Like I said she was charming.

She struggled hard getting her degree from the University of New Orleans. Going back to school in her late 30’s it was a triumphant victory when she got that diploma. A bachelors degree in English was the open door for her to persue her dream of becoming a writer. She had great stories to tell and could spin a yarn in a flash. If she had ever gotten published the stories of the local scene in New Orleans would have made your sides split. The things she has seen living in the Big Easy gave her plenty to tell.

I  have listened to her stories with close attention because I also aspire to be a writer. The way she told us the things she experienced daily in the Mardi Gras City usually had us rolling on the floor in giggles. She inspired more than one of my short stories. Life in New Orleans can be crazy and has given many writers inspiration for stories we have all read. Unfortunately so many of these stories get lost at the bar where the inspiration came from. That could be the reason Jans stories will never be read.

About 5 years ago my sister in law started drinking heavy.  Like I said earlier after a couple of drinks she could be funny. After the third one she became kinda mean. Thats when the fights always started with me. Being the intolerant bastard I am I began to dislike her and I let it get out of hand. I refused to talk to her after a big fight we had in my home one night. That was about five years ago and I have avoided her since then.

She and Cat, her sister I was married to, stopped talking for a while after that as well. They hooked back up about a year ago and things went well with them. Talking often on the phone they rebuilt their relationship back up and things got better. Jan was getting better, getting a new promising job and a new house that was rebuilt after Katrina. Her sweet new room mate has 2 kids and they were bringing a new light to her life. Happiness wasn’t being drowned in the bottle and things were definitely looking up for her.  Cat kept me apprised of her situation and I was pleased. I still refused to talk to her although I could always hear her loud bubbly voice when she was talking to her sister on the phone.

The last thing she always said before telling Cat that she loved her at the end of the call was “Tell Rocky I love him.”. I always shrugged it off tried to ignore that. I never responded, letting that stupid grudge I carried overwhelm the love I once felt for her. I was stupid and thoughtless. I always waited for her apology and even knowing her as well as I did never accepted the love she sent as an apology. Or even just the way she was telling me that it was ok now. That the fights were over and forgotten. That she had forgiven me.  That we should put it all behind us and get on with the love we once had.  The caring and companionship that should have never been  forgotten.

I pushed her away though. I was the stupid fuck that couldn’t see all she had to offer, to me and the world. I was the one who rejected her attempts to make up. My stubbornness and intolerance made me harbor the resentment that kept us apart. Now I don’t have the chance to make up with her. I fucked up major and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Jan turned 50 in September. The past 50 years were quite a trip for her. She lived her life day to day keeping herself happy.  She was there whenever a friend or family member needed encouragement or a hand up. Strangers in need would get help from a bit of cash, if she could afford it, to a hug and a kind listening ear. She always brought smiles to those around her and was the life of the party when she went out. Loud and boistrous that little woman was a lot of fun. In those fifty years she made a great impact on many lives. Mine included.

Sunday Jan called Cat. She thought she had a broken rib and was having a lot of pain in her chest. Her sister told her to go to the doctor. Jan stubbornly said that a doctor couldn’t do anything for a broken rib. The pain got worse and her room mate finally talked her into going to the hospital. She left the house Monday afternoon and no one knew where she was. Her room mate called last night saying she was missing and because she wasn’t a family member no one could release any information to her. Cat called the police in New Orleans last night to report her missing. They made a report but since she had made a phone call from her cell phone they couldn’t consider her missing. Today Cat started calling the hospitals in New Orleans. The LSU Charity hospital told her that Jan had been admitted yesterday with pneumonia and complications. She was in intensive care and wasn’t doing well. Cardiac arrest was making things worse and things didn’t look good. They had kept her alive but she wasn’t doing good.

A half hour or so later a kind doctor called back to let us know she had passed away. She was alone when she left us. That bright bubbly woman who always had someone around her died without anyone knowing where she was so there was no one to hold her hand. Fuckin’ federal laws that don’t allow non family members to know where or haw their friends are in a medical situation are wrong. Those laws kept her room mate and friends from being there with her when she needed them. The girl who had so many around her when they needed her couldn’t even have them with her in the end.

I wish I would have been less of a dick with her.  I wish my intolerance of folks that let alcohol and drugs run their lives would fade away. I wish…Yes I wish… That doesn’t do me any good now. I made a good person in my life go away and now she has gone for good.

If you are reading this and it reminds you of that person, family member, friend or neighbor that you had a falling out with go try to make it better. Try to do it now. Tomorrow may be too late. Regretting my stubborn bullheaded decision will always be with me. If you still have the chance to make up with them, no matter how much pride you have to swallow, it will be better than living with the woulda, coulda shoulda’s I will always have to live with. Regretting it every time you think about them.

I hope Jan has finally found the peace she fought for all of the time.  I hope she is resting comfortably.

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